Somewhere in the multiverse I hope there exists a version of me who lives like a hermit in a cabin in the woods, or maybe Queens, and I’m all by myself with my books and music, every now and then going into town to buy a box of Little Debbie snacks, my human interactions limited to polite smiles and occasional inappropriate comments.
Because people, right? Sheesh. Exhausting.
I had my whole family in the house this past week, which–well, I love them, and I assume they love me, at least in some way, but it was just so many words. Sometimes as many as four conversations aimed at me at once, unrelenting words fired directly at my head like bullets at a gun range.
At least I’m comfortable enough with them and myself that I can eventually just say, “I need to go away now,” and they let me hide in another room or out in the garden until my maxed-out Human Contact Meter goes back to green. As the week wore on, though, the meter maxed out faster and faster, so that by the weekend I had taken to sitting out by the chicken coop with a tumbler of white wine and the thickest novel I could find my bookshelf, passive-aggressively sending out antisocial vibes even though it meant letting the chickens peck at my bare feet. The chickens, at least, don’t talk.
I love my family. Really.
And today, Tuesday, everything goes back to normal, which I love, too.
To celebrate, I am taking a Day Off. (Yes, it’s worth capitalizing.) I’ve been planning this since Thursday. After doing my semi-regular morning run (probably? maybe not–I feel under the weather), I am going to pop a giant serving of popcorn and sit on the couch in my pajamas and watch movies. I’ve picked them out and everything, a wall-to-wall movie marathon. (Ambitiously, I’m adding “The Babadook” to the list, because I’ve been wanting to see it for years now, but I’m too wimpy to watch scary movies at night and too busy to watch them during the day.)
For lunch I will try to resist the urge to order pizza and instead eat some of the tasty leftovers in the fridge, and maybe I’ll interrupt my screen time long enough to make homemade chocolate ice cream, because it’s like science that I can eat.
Should I have time leftover, I will grab a magazine and go out and sit with the chickens a little more, because they’re actually kind of fun to sit near and ignore.
I’m sure that most people will read this and think, “That sounds boring and stupid,” and I admit, it does, but people like me (I’m not the only one, right?) will understand: for a whole day, nobody’s going to talk to me. That should drive my Human Contact Meter all the way back down to zero, so I can face the world afresh on Wednesday.